#like if I got one of them sorted I'd be good

[biohorror-human]

I used to be super serious about disliking car centric infrastructure. I'd go outside, see streets and stroads, SUV's driven by people who should be driving compacts, pickups driven by people who haven't hauled anything larger than a TV in their life, highways suspended by megalithic concrete pillars over highways suspended by megalithic concrete pillars over highways- and I would be furious internally. I saw this great issue, and it angered me deeply for valid reasons.

One time I was talking to one of my friends and we got to the topic of cars, and they said: "I like cars because I like driving"

And I sort of got floored. You like cars? You like being forced to fight on the highways against people in 5,500 lbs pickups, SUVs, and even god damn cybertrucks??? You, a living breathing human, don't see the horrors of car centric infrastructure and just want to fucking SCREAM?

I sort of unloaded all that anger against them and eventually they shut me up and said "I like the feel of turning the steering wheel and feeling the car move with it. I like accelerating and feeling the change in speed push me back."

And I realized that while they may not understand my criticisms of car centric infrastructure on as deep a level as I do, its not because they can't understand it. They said they liked cars because it feels good to them. This one-off statement that they probably would've forgotten about in minutes is just a concept to them. They live in a car centric society, as far as they're concerned the vehicle is just what they use to make it to work every morning. They weren't analyzing it as deeply as I was because it wasn't about car centric infrastructure as a whole.

And I say this because I relate to you in this way. Your analysis of their fujoshi to male joke is all technically correct, but this post wasn't created with that lens in mind. It's a joke about fujoshis and trans men; not at all in the same vein that political jokes can often be considered the use of humor as a form of persuasive rhetoric. "Fujoshi to male" is not persuasive rhetoric to make people think your gender identity is rooted in your thoughts about yaoi. It is not meant to convince the person who read the joke that societal misogyny and gay fetishization and abuse or power dynamics or all the complex concepts discussed in feminism is unimportant; it's a one-off joke about "what if that girl who reads yaoi actually wants to be a boy in a gay relationship?"

You view everything from a radical feminist lens, and that's good. Do that. I'm not even asking you to stop. But think to yourself, is this built on internalized ideas about trans misogyny and lack of comprehension of feminist ideas, or does this person just like the feeling of turning the wheel and pushing on the accelerator?

Incredible

[https-lovvers]

hamzah visiting thoughtful sweetheart readers hometown

the summer came around, and as martin and mandy head off to europe, you and your family often went back down to puerto rico, where you had lived for some of your life.

your extended-family still live on a farm that you pretty much grew up on, and you were super excited!

you were excited to ask hamzah if he wanted to come with your family and go meet your grandparents

"hamzah, mama said that you can come down to boricua, did you wanna come and we can pick you up from the airport?" you asked slightly nervously

hamzah was overjoyed and immediately tackled you into a hug, "boi are you kidding, i'd love to come baby oh my god" you giggled slightly.

"i can't wait to meet the rest of your family and all the animals you keep talking about"

you smiled and gave him a kiss. "i'm excited too"

𐙚 ‧₊˚ ⋅

you had spent the last few days with your brothers in puerto rico and you were sick of them. you hadn't lived with them all in so long and it was driving you insane. but you looked on the brightside.

hamzah was arriving today!

he had a big flight from turkey and he face-timed you beforehand to let you know he was on his way.

as much as you were excited, nobody was more excited than your grandmother. she had been fussing all day, preparing a big meal, excessively cleaning and nagging you about whether you wanted kids yet or not.

you just giggled at her with your mama as you sat on the couch, keeping your eye on the time.

"are you nervous?" your mama asked.

you smiled, "poor hamzah is probably shaken out of his bones, i'm not nervous mama"

she played with a strand of your hair, "i know he's worried, but i can tell you're nervous too. you have nothing to worry about mi vida. your grandparents will see how much he means to you, and they will like him no matter what."

you smile softly, "thanks mama"

𐙚 ‧₊˚ ⋅

"hamzah is landing in an hour, can you drive me lo?" you ask your brother lorenzo.

"mmf lets go"

you skip into the car, excited to see your boyfriend again.

your heart drops when you see him. you've been dating him for ages, but no matter how long you'll ever be with him, the swelling of your heart when you see him never stops.

you don't care how cringe it is, you sprint towards him and jump into his arms, and he lets out a little laugh, but you feel him melt into it.

he sets you down, and smiles down at you. "missed you"

you give him a peck and interlock hands, leading him towards your brother's car. "missed you too"

"that was so cringe" your brother says when you get it the car

"you just mad your girlfriend aint here bro" hamzah jokes back

you were happy that your brothers and hamzah got along well, and your brothers sort of adopted him as one of them, making fun of him and joking with him.

when you pull into the driveway of the farm you squeeze hamzah's hand. "you ready?"

he gives you a short nod, and as soon as he steps out of the car he is rushed by your grandmother. she takes one look and says, "oo you've got yourself a looker" and she wraps her hand around his arm, "and he's a strong boy too"

you and hamzah both smile shyly.

"abuela leave him alone."

"nono my dear, come inside i have prepared him some dinner" and she turns to your mama, whispering loud enough for hamzah to hear, "i like him already"

your mama shakes her head with a smile and gives hamzah a hug, "good to see you again hamzah, did you have a good flight?"

𐙚 ‧₊˚ ⋅

hamzah takes a seat at the table and he admires all the photos of all family members. he spots a photo of toddler-you sleeping in the barn with the goats and he laughs. "so you grew up sleepy"

"she fell alseep at dinner once, and her face fell into her food" your grandfather says laughing, and the entire household is shaking with, "oh my god i remember that!" and laughter.

you bury your head into hamzahs chest out of mock embarrassment and he giggles.

the rest of the night is filled with embarrassing stories and board games and good food.

"hamzah and are gonna go to bed now" you could tell hamzah was getting tired, and it was no wonder why, jetlag + a long flight.

a chorus of good nights were chanted back as hamzah intertwined his hand with yours.

"thank you for the wonderful meal, and thank you for having me."

"our pleasure"

you guide hamzah up to your bedroom, where the walls were painted pink and your bedsheets were still rainbow. hamzah flops down on your bed and smiles.

"i think they like you" you say as you sit next to him.

"of course they like me" he jokes. you let out a giggle.

after your nightly routine, you and hamzah get under the covers, and face each other. intimately staring at each other, awfully close. "i really love you"

"yeah i love you too or whatever" he jokes "i'm just here for the animals"

"ok goodnight hamzah"

"ok but seriously when can i see all the animals"

you turn away from him, but feel an arm slide around your waist and tickle your sides. you squeal with laughter and try to fight him off. he finally stops after you had nearly knocked the lamp off the nightstand.

you're both out of breath as you close your eyes, curling up to his side. and he whispers, "i really love you too"

ok guys this is really self indulgent and kinda bad but lmk if you want a pt2 (like hamzah visiting the animals and trying to ride a horse or other such things)

ok love you guys!!!

[forsaken-headcanons]

another one from suspiciously green anon i did like, extensive research on elliot here are some headcanons about him and his business!! -Contrary to popular belief, he is EXTREMELY well paid, his average wage being hundreds of bucks an hour. Especially because his dad is the manager. -Builder Brother's pizza is, in fact, a family owned pizza place. Like everyone in the family has worked at it at some point -Mia, the youngest of the family and also Elliot's younger sister, is going to work here some day. She's not complaining because it'll make good money -She'd like to be a chef, specifically! -Ironically, the majority of the family is lactose intolerant -The reason the place is so wealthy is because it's like a historical landmark, everyone loves WAAPP! -Humility runs in the family, and the business continues to be a humble pizza chain. They'd always decline collabs from larger brands in their early days, look at them now! -Builderman is considered a family friend toward the Builders (Mr. Builder, Elliot Builder, ykyk) -The Pizza place has a flexible way of getting employees, letting pretty much anyone work there whenever. Is it smart? Not really, but they have more than enough money to insure absolute safety. -Elliot continues to have low self worth, though I believe this would be because of past problems in school that went untreated and were never brought up due to Elliot believing they would burden his peers and family. -I don't mind angry Elliot enjoyers, pop off! But personally I think he'd be more like Spongebob. He pretends to be happy all the time, and will explode whenever he gets TOO angry (he will drop the f bomb on everybody in the cabin, even the killers if they're there). -It's easy to tell when he doesn't mean what he says because he instantly apologizes to those he didn't mean to insult once he gets his emotions in line. -He never apologizes to Twotime. -He does eventually apologize to 007n7, however. I'd say this is because he notices 007n7 is trying to genuinely be better but he's shaken up incredibly bad. Elliot can sort of empathize with 007n7, because he was also ostracized at some point. This was in school, however. oh yeah also some 007n7 headcanons -Everyone eventually forgives him because I'm allowed to be happy. The list of forgiveness goes as follows! I would include survivors not ingame yet but idk about their personalities -Guest-1337 (EXTREMELY understanding and sympathetic, i've watched the last guest and I don't think he's as stern as he is in the game. Maybe a bit shaken up after the grenade (spoilers he survived in the actual movie after being tackled by an ally into a pit), but he tries to be nice to everyone. -Chance (He's just a chill guy who lowkey don't gaf, he can see 007n7 is trying to change for the better) -Builderman (He's pretty understanding despite his status as the big man of Roblox. He knows that people can change, and although hesitant, warmed up to 007n7.) -Noob (They're a bit naive, but that's okay in this situation) -Two-Time (Two-time thinks 007n7 got rebirthed or something, and is hypervigilant about how 007n7 uses his '2nd chance'. -Elliot (After being afraid for a long time, grew to forgive 007n7 after putting himself in his shoes. Hackers are usually just very foolish young people, 007n7 grew up and he had to carry on with the guilt for THAT long? Let alone he got ostracized, that's crazy!!) -Shedletsky (He is stubborn. Like really fucking stubborn he REFUSED to believe 007n7 could change because he thinks all hackers are messed up. But, as everyone grew to forgive him he became neutral with 007n7. He still keeps a watchful eye on 007n7 though, if he fucks up again he is going to flip out!) roblox autism back at it again! -suspiciously green anon, the autismer

Another peak post from the suspiciously green anon. We love to see it.

[genericpuff]

Life updates!

Got my new driver's license with my updated legal name change which allowed me to change my name on my bank account and Paypal. Had to call Paypal support because my birthday was wrong on my account which caused an automatic rejection of my name change request (as it didn't match with the birthday on my ID), I can only assume it was younger me skirting by the age requirements at the time so I could make that Deviantart commission money LMAO (more shockingly, the Paypal support guy was really nice and we had a good laugh about it). Thankfully the fix was quick and easy :>

Only thing I'm waiting on now is my new provincial health card so that I can FINALLY book a bloodwork appointment. Once we're over that one hurdle, it's (hopefully) HRT time! <3

-------------

Psuwis is doing much better! He was on a round of various medications for a week to treat his jaundice / liver problems, and in between medications we got him eating as much as we could, swapping out foods and trying new things until we figured out what would stick. Unfortunately he has already gone back to being his picky self, but he's put on weight again and his jaundice has finally cleared. I'm incredibly relieved, and thankful to the vets at the urgent care clinic who were so good with him. I'm hoping this means we're still stuck with him for a few more years, as much as he drives me crazy with his antics he's still my boy and the fear of losing him really put into perspective how much of a positive impact he's had on my life and how much I need to appreciate him being here in whatever limited time he has. I love owning pets, but man, it's hard during those times when you're reminded that you're gonna outlive them 😭

Even now as I'm typing this, I can tell he just went to the bathroom because I can smell the stench of his frigging POOP emanating from his butthole five feet away. But dammit, he can stink all he wants, because at least that means he's still here <3

-------------

I've started playing Red Dead Redemption 2. Or rather, I had started playing it a while ago, but stopped shortly after the opening tutorial of the game. Since then, I've switched primarily to PC for most of my gaming outside of Nintendo Switch games. So I recently bought it again while it was on sale for practically dirt cheap, and finally took another crack at it.

I'm not sure why I stopped playing it the first time around, going into the PC versions I had vague memories of dropping it as soon as the opening section was over and I had access to the camp. All I could feel vaguely in hindsight was a sort of confused boredom and reluctance to try and get back into it. But I'm glad I gave it another shot, because honestly... I have no clue why past me struggled to get a sense of it, I love the first RDR (I've beaten it multiple times, easily one of my favorite games from the PS3 era) and RDR2 isn't exactly that much of a departure from it as far as gameplay philosophy goes.

Now that I'm actually progressing through it, I'm having a great time! The writing is as clever and hilarious as its predecessor, and the attention to detail in the worldbuilding is phenomenal. It's so silly but what I really appreciate most are just those little mundane moments of going into a grocery store, picking up a tin of hair gel or a stick of butter, and just... looking at it. Like damn, they really invested a lot of time and care into ensuring that I could interact with just about every item in this game and get some trivia out of it.

The game runs exactly how it should, if not leagues better than it did on the PS4. It still has the usual Rockstar bugginess, but unlike Bethesda's brand of jank, Rockstar bugs are just MSG, they provide that extra lil' kick of indescribable flavor. They're never game-breaking, always hilarious.

Assuming the game's performance won't be affected by it, I'd love to stream it sometime. Maybe get my husband on the mic with me as co-host. After all, as much as these games are primarily sold as single-player story-driven experiences, they really are at their best when you have someone to experience it with. I can't express to you how much I wish we had been streaming during the bar scene with Lenny. Truly an iconic moment I wish I could forget just to re-experience it all over again LMAO

-----------

The other day I got an ask inquiring about Kore's planner. I hadn't really thought much of it at the time, probably because I'm so used to Rekindled being an obviously non-profit project, but someone pointed out to me that I could theoretically make the planner as a digital notebook.

And boy howdy, did my ADHD run with that, because I spent like 3 hours after this making exactly that! Here's a little preview!

Obviously it's been buffed up a bit compared to the original, but I really wanted to build upon its brief original appearance and make it feel like a genuine notebook that someone like Kore would own, with little dedicated tabs and sections for different things. As a baseline, I'll be formatting this for PDF so that it can be imported into most major drawing software - including Clip Studio and Procreate - however I'm also gonna be fiddling around with the Goodnotes app (which I used to use a lot of myself) and seeing if I can make a Goodnotes compatible template with hyperlinks and other clickable parts.

Overall I've had a lot of fun making this, it took a lot of initial work in designing the base look and feel of it, but now it's coming together pretty smoothly! I'm hoping to have it ready in the next few days <3 Once it is, I'll be selling it as a digital download on my new Ko-Fi page! :> So if that's something you're interested in, give that page a bookmark/follow and check back in a bit! It'll be fairly inexpensive, within the $5-$8 range depending on how much gets included (i.e. if I can provide the Goodnotes template or not).

------------

January was an extremely hectic and chaotic month. It brought about a lot of unfortunate circumstances that were difficult to weather through. Despite this, I'm doing what I can to hold onto my hope that it'll all work out, that there are still opportunities for joy and progress, and that even the worst things that have come to pass will still pass. It's hard, but it's worth it.

[we-are-ashes]

i'd been thinking of making an atz fic rec list so this is as good a reason as any! I assume by govt pairs you mean seongjoong, yungi, woosan and jongsang? (have to say this narrowed it down a lot lol, i'm a rarepair truther)

I Like Me Better by so_real (matz, 34k)

this is vm the epitome of what you're asking for, i think. it's the fluff fic i go back to most often and you have all the tropes: roommates, longterm mutual pining, basically married without knowing it, co-owners of a coffee and flower shop, adopting a cat tgt. what more could you ask for?

We'll hold off the flood tonight by Ninetyeights (woosansang, 17k)

the narrative focus is on sansang's relationship but all three dynamics feature prominently. you've got in-verse wooyo wish fulfilment and loving family (some strong shit). it does delve explicitly into the polyam of it if that is/isn't your thing.

in bloom by lightup (woosansang, 20k)

the queerplatonic Feels (wooyoung loves his friends sm) and woosansang falling into a relationship tgt with all the cute antics you could ask for. same thing with polyam as the last one but less so.

all's divine in desire by thigh (woosanhwa, 12k)

woosan are little shits and hwa can't help but be fond aka real person true freaking story. there is a bit of a sense of unrequitedness but it's so undermined by how obvious everything is that there isn't any angst as such, i would say. also, hwa acts of service? much likelier than you think.

my heart is big enough for two by happyhwas (woosansang, 23k)

okay so, bear with me here - starts off with pretty strong conflict (the idea of opening up a monogamous relationship ya know?) as the summary can tell you but the tension is pretty much immediately downhill from there. the san romaticisms fully come into play and then there's woosansang soulmateism and overall cute stuff.

now these last two do violate your last requirement but i think they are sorta happy/cute in a more subliminal way, so i get it if you don't read them but i think they're worth checking out!

the law of inertia by astringnxt (yungi, 10k)

there's really intense yearning that is sort of poured over everything so even though there's no drama and angst specifically, it can feel more weighed down than the rest of the stuff in this list. but yeah yungi showing up for, and glued to, eo since childhood truthisms.

this red planet is for you by suheafoams (matz, 43k)

a little long ik but ultimately great. this one swings to and fro between fun and real and there are two major angst points one of which is just the double identity thing. amazing seongjoong trajectory though, although idk how one could have a non-amazing one.

i am more of an angst reader than a fluff one (and therefore tend to have a stronger stomach for that) so sorry if these don't all live up to the 'rainbows & sunshine' expectations but largely that shouldn't be the case. enjoy and definitely tell me what you think!

does anyone have a good rec of an ateez fic (only governmental pairs or gov pairs with another member turned into polytrio/polyquartet) that is totally positive and over 9k words but not more than 40k? fluff, crack, rainbows, sugar and sunshine kind of stuff. no angst or apathy or realism or trauma or drama

[golurkkoopa]

.

[thevegetablewhichnoonedaresname]

tonight I go to bed grateful not to be in my bnha phase right now

[boysborntodie]

Me @ to anyone, please anyone, I am begging you-

[13eyond13]

.

[dan-crimes]

My sibling is trying to out Link me, you DARE QUESTION THE OG!! THE MASTER !! THE HOLDER OF THE KNOWLEDGE OF LINK !!!!!

[ourceliumnetwork]

y'know. i don't often hate the way my brain is and how difficult it makes certain things for me.

i do a little today though.

[katyspersonal]

It just will forever baffle me how unfair he has been. He kept constantly blaming me for all that was going wrong in his life, he could get upset to the point of wanting to hurt himself or worse over things as little as me disagreeing with his creative ideas or not wanting to listen to something he wanted to share at the moment, he abandoned his friend he knew for two years because he got interested in me too much to give her enough - and then because he convinced himself she didn't care for him anymore.

And I knew, all along, that I was not right for him. I kept telling him to keep reaching out and seek friends that he'd actually like and actually get along with. I kept insisting that he was doing it to himself by clinging to me where clearly he hated me to the point I could've hurt him by as much as setting up boundaries, having different opinions or having limitations as a human being. I told him that that friend he abandoned still cared for him and he could not just decide FOR her. But over and over, he denied everything and begged me to stay, saying how much he wanted to have future together, how I was like a sister he lost a chance to have, how we were supposed to share life experiences together and how I was the only one that felt "real". I kept sticking around despite the abuse, despite how much he was ruining my mental health and my social life (being abused distances you from even close people), all because I could not stand seeing him so hurt and alone. And the last deceit hurt especially bad, because he made me truly believe him. He said something that made me lose my guard, my focus on the fact that I was just a placeholder in his life until he finds someone fitting.

And just like I kept saying, as soon as he got enough money for good life, his mental health improved upon switching meds or something, he met a new friend and reconnected with that exact one he abandoned earlier - he declared me a dead weight on his life that has only been "killing" him and declared that the almost two years he spent with me were just a bad dream he was happy to finally forget.

I knew all along that the best thing I could do for him was to leave him, but I never did. I should have before he stopped caring for me entirely out of blue, because now he didn't even learn anything. He lost nothing of value in his eyes, just a person that "wasted his time". So what if his current friends """fail""" him again? He'll just seek an outlet in new ones, until they prove "useless" and he'll ditch them too, and so on. Some people just can't appreciate someone's personality, they only value people for what they can give to them. Or.. is it just me? At times I am genuinely annoyed when people tell me I am a valuable person and anyone who can't love and appreciate me is an idiot, because on the contrary, in my life all people that despised me and saw me as a waste of their time the most were all high IQ, very well-read and educated, very sophisticated individuals. Clearly, there is a correlation between being very smart and deeming me as human garbage - in a way jealous haters, hypocritical control freaks and callous ableists I've met online never could.

Honestly, sometimes I should decide for someone else. I always knew he hated me and splitting with me was to the better for him, but I let his tears and clinginess force me to feel bad and go back every time. And to doubt that maybe I was the delusional one and could not be sure of someone else's needs. Honestly, guys - when you are given every single indication that you are hated and only kept around out of their fear of loneliness and low self-esteem... it is all there is. It is not a situation where you should listen to your heart, to hope or to give benefit of the doubt. Being abused is something you can only comprehend with mind and knowledge, there is no bigger story and no intricate matters.

Still, I hate how as painfully stupid and naive for my age as I am, I've been able to understand things way more correctly than a much older, much more mature person with high intellect and tons more of life experience. I was right all along, but I hate being right sometimes. And I hate always being discarded as soon as people's lives improve. I hate always being just a placeholder. Apparently, no one whose life is good would ever want to burden themselves with me.

[anothermonikan]

i never got burying yourself in your work to avoid all your other problems. until now. save me sweet coding work~

[arolesbianism]

The Joshua section of my oni playlist is looking great so far

[stinkbeck]

i'm like "HELL yeah i gotta listen to 'So What!'" and then i do and 2 seconds in i'm crying and being like "why do i hate my life"

[inbabylontheywept]

the fine and subtle art of arguing with old men

it was a good week for testing which meant it was a slow week for me. most of my job is fixing the machine when it goes down. if it doesn't go down, i don't have much to do. 

fortunately neither did marc. in a site full of ornery old bastards, he's the oldest and the orneriest, so it goes without saying that i enjoy spending time with him. he reminds me of my grandpa. hell, he reminds me of a lot of people. i've befriended enough grumpy old men that i've got a sort of momentum to it now - you know how it is, when you meet someone that reminds you of someone else you really like. you get to start that friendship off half built, because you already have an idea of how to like that guy, and some of that old warmth can be brought to the new friendship. a little ember to start the stove up with.

(i think that's one of the really undersold beauties of getting older. you stop viewing people as strangers and more like remixes of friends.)

anyway, i was sitting next to marc and we were talking about the future. i've got my eye on having kids sometime soon (year or two? hopefully?), and he's very happy for me. i've tried asking him for advice, but all he says is that he didn't do a great job with his own kids and they still turned out okay, so i should stress less and trust myself more. i hope he's right. he believes it, at least, and it's a hell of a thing to have the faith of an old man. his faith is hard won.

as for his plans, he's retiring at some point in the next six months, and is hoping to sell his home and buy something in florida. he's republican, so he views the state as paradise, and i'm not inclined to even try talking him out of it. it's his dream, you know? i know for a fact my paradise would be a lot of people's hell. life's funny like that.

still, we kept going on, and it was a good time, and then he reminisced about the last time he got close to quitting - back around 2020. our job required getting vaxxed, and he refused, and there was a big kerfuffle about it before the job actually backed down. i know there's not a lot of sympathy for the unvaxxed out here, but the man's 62. you get the shot when you're under 30 to protect the people around you, but when you're over 60, you're just getting it to protect yourself and it's hard to be mad at someone for kicking their own ass. 

still gave me pause though. i knew he wasn't going to take it well, but half the job of collecting curmudgeons is keeping them around, so i said 

hey. i'm sorry they bent your arm over it, but.

but. 

you should really get that shot. 

and he looked over at me, and i looked at him, and he actually spat. not on me, just the concrete, but it was enough to show that he was mad. then he walked away, as abrupt as anything.

i felt bad about it. i wasn't sure what i'd expected, when he was willing to lose his job over it before, but i'd been so invested in his dream of retirement - the idea of him sipping margaritias on a beach next to his wife, the wife he calls every day during lunch, the wife he says is the one thing in life he ever got right on the first try. the wife that almost divorced him back when he was in the airforce because he just wasn't home enough. 

(but he can be home now.) 

and then he mentioned the vax thing, and it was like seeing a pin hit a balloon. he works out every day and takes all sorts of crazy vitamins and is generally committed to getting the most out of his pension and his life. i didn't want this dumb weak point to be his achilles heel. 

---

i wasn't actually sure how long marc would be mad at me. i've seen him stay mad at some people for weeks. i wasn't sure if being friends would make that time go up or down. 

it went down. i'm glad it went down. 

he stopped being mad about two days later. we were doing front end maintenance one morning, and it was just that simple mechanical rhythm - hex key, replace the anode sheets, punch some off-gassing holes, oil it up, put it back in - that put things at ease. it always does. people working there are too busy to remember grudges, and it has this sort of mandatory practical communication that helps smooth things over. it was going great, and then out of the blue he said babs, you gotta be careful giving advice. those shots come with complications. what would you do if i got that shot, had a stroke, and died? 

and i don't know what answer he was expecting, but i just told him the truth, which is that i would be devastated. i'd feel like i killed him. i thought that was a pretty normal response, but he looked taken aback. he asked why i said it then, and i said i'd have felt the same if he died of covid. that's just life. sometimes, there's no way forward that doesn't risk some kind of regret. 

we finished the tube after that, in a silence that felt heavier than peace but lighter than anger. it felt like the ball was back in marc's court. like it would be rude to take that turn from him. 

we parted ways with a nod and didn't speak until the next day. 

---

i was doing spreadsheet work when he found me again. standard paper engineering - thinking of things we might need and ordering them in batches, months ahead of time. it always feels a little like plugging holes in a dam with my fingers. 

but he popped up, and we didn't even exchange pleasantries. he just said i'm gonna die one day, and you can't blame yourself for that. 

which is a hell of a thing to just tell someone right off the bat. 

so i said what 

and he said babs, i am in my 60s. something is gonna get me eventually, and whether it's covid or heart disease, or a stroke, there will be something you could have said or done before. and that's okay. it's not your job to make me live forever. 

and you know, he actually made a lot of sense. so i said 

okay. 

i'll keep your business yours. i just

you were talking about your retirement before this. and i want that for you very much. you've worked hard for 45 years, and you deserve a break. we're getting to sick season, and it would be the saddest fucking thing in the world if you got this close to winning the race then tripped in the last ten feet. 

and we sat there a few moments longer. i wasn't sure what to say, and i wasn't sure what he'd say, but eventually he just shrugged and said

yeah 

then he left. i figured that would be the end of it. 

---

i did front end maintenance yesterday, after being gone a week. it's one of my favorite things to do. i like working with my hands. i really like working with my hands. i'm glad i went to college, but in a different life, i think i could've made a better electrician than an electrical engineer. 

and at one step, when we were both hoisting the plate back onto the machine, his sleeve rode up, and i saw two bandaids on his arm. 

we finished the install, and i was ready to go back when marc actually stopped me. 

i got the shot, he said, almost embarrassed. like he'd been caught. and i knew he was gonna say something dumb about it, so i just cut him off by giving him a hug. 

i was relieved. hugging old men is kind of like picking up cats. if they like you a lot, they'll tolerate it, but that's about it. we sat there maybe three beats before his hands went up, and then he gave me one overly-hard thump on the back. in my experience, this is how old men tell you that they're done, so i let him go.

carla talked me into it, he said, almost defensive. his wife. his one good decision.

tell her i said thanks, i said back.

trump got the shot too, he said, less defensive, but oddly pleading. like he was consoling himself.

like he was nervous.

then it's gotta be safe, i said, and he looked up at me, strangely searching, strangely vulnerable. i don't know exactly what he was looking for, but i guess he found it because after a few moments his shoulders relaxed.

yeah, he said, one hand on the back of his head.

it's gotta be.